Ok, I have been avoiding posting because I wanted to get a real website up, but I just had to post after seeing the movie Deja Vu starring Denzel Washington. Ok, lets talk.
Me and Regina were flipping around last night and saw that Deja Vu was on, the only reason the title meant anything to us is because there was a giant billboard of it near our apartment for about 3 months. Apparently someone liked the movie enough to leave the billboard up well after it was out of theaters. I never really heard that much of it, so I thought we could watch some of it.
Tony Scott directed it... I liked... True Romance.
Denzel Washington is in it... I liked... Glory.
Oh yeah and Val Kilmer! Go Batman!
So basically the plot is somehow post-9/11 post Katrina message about terrorism. Some guy blows up a boat full of cars and people (all told 500 people die). Denzel works for Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms people and he is investigating. He is cool as ice in it, so i say "oh, he could be an interesting character". So they find this girl in the river who was burned, but she died BEFORE the explosion. MYSTERY!!!!
Ok I am so sick of this fucking plot, i want to jump to me pushing this movie down a flight of stairs like a rich old lady.
So basically Val Kilmer hires Denzel to join his team because he admits to another guy that he has a man crush on him. Batman takes Denzel to this science place that looks like Stargate and introduces him to the team, which includes the that mean looking jewish guy from Friends and Dazed and Confused
Why is he so damn mad?Oh yeah! And the tough kid from the Mighty Ducks!
He looks exactly the same! I love it!
So basically this crack team of doctors and Batmans have this surveillance equipment that allows them to look at basically any body and anything with awesome Tony Scott quick/dirty cuts and pans. Basically, this technology allows 7 (thats right 7!!) satellites to use data they collect to zoom any house house at any awesome camera angle, see through walls and watch girls in the shower. This doesn't render in 3-d, its as if there is a camera right there! Fucking FOOL PROOF!
The kicker is that they can watch anything that happened but only from 4 days and 6 hours ago, and they can't replay anything, they see it once and thats it.
Doesn't Denzel question this technology at all? Nope, he just yells "hello" at the screen.
Well... long story short, its not satellites , but a fucking time machine that they found by accident, which means they don't need a plausible explanation. Denzel finds this out by pointing a laser pointer at the screen and it actually going into the girl's apartment and her seeing it.
Then the power goes out.
Did this thriller just turn into a fucking time travel movie? What the fuck? So what they are seeing is the past, but its actually present at that moment. To explain how the laser pointer works, they say that only light can travel though time and space. Batman has a time machine, and instead of world peace, they use laser pointers to fuck with people.
So only light can travel through time right? Well, why not a note, if its small enough. So somehow, with the magic of green lights, they send a note back to warn Denzel about the boat.
What
the
fuck
Am I really seeing this? is this a joke? I... I didn't know what to say. They have a time travel machine so they are using it to watch a girl who Denzel is now in love with, so they can catch the killer...
Who just so happens to be Jesus Christ from Passion of the Christ.
You ever wondered what Jesus Christ would look like rocking on two machine guns? There you go my friends.
So through the magic of time travel , and a time travel helmet. FUCK! I forgot about the time travel helmet!!!
Basically they found time travel by accident. And apparently also by accident they hooked up a fucking time helmet to a Hummer that Denzel has to drive, chasing Jesus Christ four days ago.
Confused?
So are the people who made the fucking movie.
basically, Denzel drove down roads as the mighty ducks instructed him on where the guy was based on the image that was being shot back through the time travel helmet.
No, it makes perfect sense! Denzel had a car chase with a car that was there four days ago.
then he watched his partner get set on fire. yeah, it was honestly the best part of the movie.
So they track down Jesus Christ, and they arrest him. This guy must have a really good explanation for killing a whole lot of people, right?
Nah, we got time travel, who needs motives?
The guy got turned down by the Marines and the Army, and he decides to prove his worth as a "patriot"... by blowing up a boat full of Americans?
That makes as much sense as Denzel Washington being able to travel back in time to save the girl, after it was explained that only light could be sent in the past, then a small exception was made, if the object was small enough, like a warning note.
Oh fuck.
So Denzel travels back in time, saves the girl, and all the people on the boat, but his future self gets blown up. But his past self is seen later interviewing the girl that his future self used to be in love with, but he never met.
THE END
What the fuck. I couldn't put it into words. Had anyone who made this movie read "A Sound of Thunder".
I am not going to get into time travel theory (mostly because I am too dumb) but basically this movie decided to take a shit on every theory there is, and COMPLETELY disregard 1.21 gigowats.
This movie was awful. It was an abomination of a disaster.
Producers "How do we explain all this story?"
Tony Scott "Ah fuck it, let's throw in some time travel"
Producers "But aren't people going to be too smart to see right through that crappy plot point?"
They all look at each other for a moment burst out laughing, lighting up cuban cigars with trillion dollar bills.
Is it just me or is time travel and self sacrifice becoming a joke of itself. At this point, a hero isn't really a hero unless they die. And save boats and kill Jesus Christ.
Ok I am sorry this is so long, but to the point of my post.
I came into work all excited to read some reviews of the movie, to hear other people rip the shit out of this crap fest. So i got to looking at reviews...
and most of them were positive.
Someone went as far to call it a classic.
Most of them mentioned watching the movie over and over again.
Thats it, i quit life. I don't even know what to say. I have lost all faith in humanity. I... am speachless.
I am gonna write a script about myself, being disapointed with life and deciding to end it all, but them my future self comes back tells me not to, then we get in an epic sword battle on a mountain and we both fall to our death. But then we come back somehow, and fall in love. how?
Time travel mother fucker.
Wow, what a long post. I had so much anger to get out. I promise, future posts will be shorter, and more exciting
